Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
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