she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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