I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
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