I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
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