Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
