office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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