i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Randomize
