I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
