Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
