But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
