Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
