how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Why is your signature on my underwear?
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize