I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize