my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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