I molested 6 butterflies tonight
People in love make me want to vomit
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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