Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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