Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
