I can text with my tongue
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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