this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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