R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Boobs are out for the taking
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
