this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
