I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
