And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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