I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
