My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
