I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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