who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
