I wish I could teleport
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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