Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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