just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
