There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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