So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
not ubering you a puppy
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
