If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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