i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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