OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Randomize
