Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
