he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
