You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I could fuck to npr.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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