i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Randomize
