She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
