everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
