Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
you traded sex for a burrito?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
She's not a foreskin expert like you
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
