I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize