last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Randomize
