I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
