so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
