nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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