yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
It's never too late to be topless.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Your penis caused this!
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
