he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
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