I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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