Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
