he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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