we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
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