Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize