So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I need to calm my uterus...
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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