In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
