id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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