Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize