I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize