I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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