Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
