I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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