Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
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