i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
it glows. i had to have it.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
