You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize