You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize