my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Randomize
