Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
