ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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