She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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