The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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